Goodbyes

After a week of revision (studying), exams started on May 17 and lasted through May 31. My exams, however, were early on: Philosophy and Public Affairs (Global Justice) on May 17 and Political Philosophy on May 20. I studied my brains out until that last exam. My first exam was on that first Saturday of exams and after 3 hours of essay writing, my friends called me and we went out for lunch at a new Chinese place in St. Andrews. My brain was thoroughly exhausted so it was nice to have a break from thinking and revising for a couple hours. After my May 20 exam, I set up a bunch of coffee/tea dates with friends so that I could be sure to say goodbye to them before I left that weekend for York, England and left for good on May 30.

It was an intense few days of goodbyes, hugs, and tears. I hate goodbyes and that last week seemed like a never-ending string of goodbyes between me and certain people who had made my 4 months in St. Andrews particularly special, memorable, and life-changing. My goal is to return in at least 3 years when my first-year friends are in their final year, but that means that my friends who just finished their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th years will all be gone by the time I return. My optimistic self says that we will meet again someday. But that positive thought didn't and still doesn't squash the nagging sense in my heart and in the back of my mind that I might never see some of these people again...well, this side of heaven.

Allow me to wax contemplative for a moment...

Goodbyes are not only hard because you fear that you might never see them again or that you will lose touch. Goodbyes are also hard because even though you might go over and over again in your head what you will say to them - that perfect farewell, that eloquent expression of gratitude for all they've meant to you, that memorable final coffee/conversation/walk that will sum up and do justice to the relationship that you've had during your time together, that exchange that will imprint you on their mind forever - no matter how much you plan that in advance, when the moment of truth comes, it's never as perfect or eloquent as you'd hoped. And at that point, you just have to trust that all your past times together will be enough to solidify your relationship and that the effusive thank-yous, hugs, and tears that are exchanged are enough to express the depth, strength, and sincerity of your feeling for them.

And what is that feeling that I wanted to convey at all those points of goodbye? Simply, thank you. More specifically, thank you for being part of my life, even just for four months. Thank you for giving me a chance as a friend. Thank you for embracing me. Thank you for opening up your heart, home, and life to me. Thank you for letting me be who I am and accepting me as that. Thank you for challenging me, encouraging me, being there for me, loving me, and winning your way into my heart forever. Thank you for showing me what true Christian community is. Thank you for inspiring me to live every day for God. Thank you for being Christ to me.

I know now that the only real way to "do justice" to the transformative relationships with which I was so undeservedly and tremendously blessed during my time at St. Andrews is to do the same for people who are in my life and who come into my life back in the States. To love fiercely. To give of myself without holding back. To act with Christ and without fear. To encourage the broken-hearted, strengthen the weak, and defend the victims of injustice. To listen, to pause, to seek to understand, to be hospitable, to be there, to empower, to ask questions, to take a chance on someone, to speak up, to keep my eyes open, to encourage, and to reach out.

Lord, by your grace, give me the opportunities and the resources to bless others as I have been blessed.